It happened about a quarter after midnight on December 22, 2018. But because Mama was terminally ill it was not unexpected or not necessarily un-welcomed. We didn’t want to see her go but we didn’t want to see her suffer either. For those who have known or have watched a close friend, loved one, child or parent die, understand the drill: You’re slowly watching the life ebb out of them as they get sicker. They’re in pain and you wouldn’t ever want that for them. It’s easier to let go than to watch them suffer.
First for the gritty details:
Mama had been a Registered Nurse, her 3rd Career after becoming a Homemaker, Raising me and the older of my two little sisters, asmy littlest sister was born after Mama had gone back to work as a RN. Before that, she was a Secretary and Bookkeeper.
At 79+, she had a bout with a slow moving Breast Cancer ("that was so slow moving, that it wouldn't kill her in 10 years."). Having had a clear CAT Scan in April of 2018, she started having abdominal pains starting in September, it got bad enough around Thanksgiving for her to cancel coming to our house this year and to where she finally was told by her GP to immediately go to the local Emergency Room for Chronic Abdominal Pain, Dehydration and EXTREMELY ELEVATED BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS, due to Type II Diabetes that was out of control.
After spending All night in the ER, having tests run, she was diagnosed early on the Tuesday morning after Thanksgiving with metastatic cancer, with a "thickening" of the upper part of the Pancreas and "lesions" on her Liver. If it was metastatic cancer, it must have originated somewhere else than the breast cancer she had and spread to her breast. She'd just turned 80 about 6 weeks earlier. She said that when she was in the ER, she knew that she must have cancer: The question was Pancreatic or Stomach Cancer. She had been complaining of abdominal pain since at least September and had no energy to even do the smallest things.
A visit to a Necrologist that Friday and an Endoscopy and a Biopsy the following Monday confirmed the bad news. Mama asked both me and the older of my little sisters if we wanted her to take Chemotherapy. I don't know if she asked my littlest sister, as she's never said anything about it. We both independent of the other, told Mama that we didn't want to see her suffer. Chemo is tough if you're "healthy," which Mama wasn't. Although she went to the counseling for taking the chemo the following Wednesday(?), she was far too weak and was admitted to the Hospital the next Saturday, where she slowly lost her battle to stay on this side.
Daddy, kissing Mama Good-bye on Friday, December 21, 2018 at 2:30 PM
As Followers (Disciples) of Christ, we're called to “keep short accounts.” That means “cleaning up personal relationships” and resolving what may be decades old grievances. We need to forgive others who’ve wronged us or else accept the consequences Jesus lays out in Matthew 6:14-15. It also means telling our significant others exactly how we feel toward them. In this case, I asked Daddy to tell Mama everything that he wanted her to know about how he felt about her, leaving NOTHING out and NOT ASSUMING that she knew anything he felt about her and to do it now, as if this was her last day. I also asked Mama to forgive Daddy for anything that he did that was bothering her. Apparently, I’d say they did.
It’s difficult for us to do that sometimes: We’re (too) familiar with each other and familiarity breeds contempt. With nearly 60 years of time being married to each other, they had some issues, particularly, Mama had some issues with Daddy. But, we aren't promised the next breath, and you don't want to leave with anything unsaid. If you love someone, you should tell them. That's harder for the older generation, because they weren't necessarily taught to keep saying “I love you” to their spouses. Most of them just assume that the other know because they do things for them. The spouse that isn't being told daily, doesn't necessarily see their spouse's service towards them as love. That's sad.
Trying to keep myself together through all of this, I focused on all of the accomplishments Mama had in her life, and tried to remember all of them and be thankful for them, including things that were specific to me. I'm thankful for many things about my Mama but 2 stand out like no other. One of the things was her teaching me to walk. We walked as went to stores, movies and even and restaurants as Mama didn't drive before I turned 13, so walking long distances 2-1/2 - 4 miles in the heat and humidity of the South was something I learned in elementary school. The other involves my love of Trains. We'd visit my Paternal Grandmama in the rural town in the south in which she lived on the north side. As she lived about 1 block away from the railroad tracks of the Southern Railway, we'd hear the northbound trains blowing for grade crossings long before they got to the crossing a block away from Grandmama's house. She'd run up the street with me and we'd count the locomotives and cars that went by. While Mama was teaching me to count, she was also reinforcing my love for trains, and especially the idiosyncrasies of the Southern Railway: The High Hooded Diesel Electric Locomotives that always seemed to have their Tuxedo Paint Schemes perfectly cleaned, the Long, Long, Short, Long Whistle Posts, the semi-ovaled mile-marker signs - both mounted on an impossibly heavy cast iron post and the Solid Red Bay Window Caboose at the end of each train. I still love trains and the Southern Railway and they will always have a special place in my heart: Thanks to my Mama.
I've cried some, probably not nearly enough. I'm reminded about Albert Camus wrote in his novel The Stranger, about not caring that his mother had died. I'm NOT there: I just choose to see the love and goodness in our relationship and leave the unpleasant and painful stuff that happened as I got older behind, forgiving and forgetting what she may have said that was ugly and hurt me.
So, to finish this up, let me just remind you again, that we're not promised 1 more breath or 1 more second of life. Make the seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months and years count in your personal relationships. We all have an appointment with death, so be proactive in what you say and do with those whom you love. Don't just show them, without saying it to them and don't say it to them without showing them every time that you're happy to have a relationship with them. Finally, when death comes and come it will, you can cry for the end of the relationship, but also celebrate it, as they've obviously meant a great deal to you. Be thankful for what they have taught you, their accomplishments and their love and/or mentoring you.
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